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| Sandra Lee has updated her Semi-Ho website since I last visited! Whoot! She’s even more Anti-Martha than my last visit. She now has a section on organizing, including a sub-section titled Clearing the Table. The first paragraph informs the reader that china, crystal and linens can be used again and again. I’m dumbfounded. Really? China isn’t disposable? I can reuse it? Just think of the fortune you’ll save after that next formal dinner party! And nobody will know that you’re using recycled china, crystal and linens!
More great tips you were too stupid to figure out on your own:
- “Fine china should be handled with care.”
- “Store bowls stacked inside each other.”
- “Almost all casual dinnerware is dishwasher-safe.”
- “Bowls can hold fruit or pinecones”
- “Regular glassware is generally sturdy and can go straight in the dishwasher.”
- “Always launder table linens before storing to prevent mold growth.”
As always, in addition to giving tips that everybody already knows, Aunt Sandy has included a couple WTF nuggets as well:
- Use upper shelves in your cupboard to store greenery!
- Cake pedestals can double as candleholders!
Thanks, ASS. I’m going to be a real Semi-Ho today and set things right in my home. Out with the unwashed (but stored) table linens! I feel like a new woman already! | | |
| Ever wonder how to assemble a baklava? Just follow Sandy’s easy-easy instructions from her Almond show (and this is EXACTLY what she says. I have not added or deleted anything to this quote):
“Now, with your phyllo dough take 2 sheets at a time and lay them INto the bottom of your baking dish. Then you are going to baste this with the butter. So what you’re doing is building 4 different layers with nuts in between which are going to be 10 sheets thick and in between these layers you’re going to put a cup of the almond mixture. Then you’re going to put on your second layer, same thing, 5 layers thick. Take this and just brush it. And the last layer of my phyllo. This is the going to create the topping. So, you want to be careful with the top so it’s perfect. Just like that. And we’re also gonna put the butter on this. And the last layer is the same. 10 pieces of phyllo, 2 at a time, buttered together.”
It’s even more difficult to follow while watching her. I have watched this over and over and over and still have no clue WTF she was doing! It truly is something to see.
Really, what more can I say? Aunt Sandy says it all so well herself.
And don’t forget: “Everybody luuuuuuvvvvvs to fold napkins!” | | |
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In the “Garden Italian” episode we get to see Sandra Lee super-sized! She’s WAY tall, thanks to her very high heels which also make her walk like the lush she is. It’s especially noticeable during the intro as she’s carrying a basket of fresh artichokes (which she never actually uses, of course). Also, she’s all dressed up, complete with porn star hair extensions! “I’m rushed for time so I already have my pretty party dress on!” Something tells me that for Sandy, when the party starts the dress is long gone.
“Finally, I have perfected a recipe for veal piccata!” Except not.
“Flat parsley”
To make tapenade, start with a jar of tapenade! Easy, easy!
“I’m going to use lemon juice. Of course, you can use real lemons if you want.” Eventually in this episode she did use real lemons. As a flippin’ GARNISH.
“Beeyootiful PRE-sentation!”
This is the God’s honest truth: “Welcome back, I’m Sandra Lee and it’s Cocktail Time! Not really, I’m just pouring myself a little glass of wine. I’m going to get to cocktails in just a second. Mmmmmm!” And of course, her “little” glass of wine is filled to the brim. But I seriously loved the PSYCH! moment of "It's Cocktail Time....not really!"
“Lemon Pepper seasoning is available wherever they sell seasoning in the grocery store.” Just in case you weren’t aware that you could get seasoning in the seasoning section of the store.
*AND*…“You can get fruit juices where they sell juice in the grocery store!” I know! I’m shocked and amazed too!
Caper “juice” (ASS lexicon: brine = juice) “adds great flavor!” Unlike the capers themselves, I guess.
“You could if you wanted to substitute the veal for chicken or pork or even turkey.” Except that the recipe called for veal. So I guess you could substitute chicken or pork or turkey for veal, not the other way around. What a topsy turvy imaginary world she lives in!
“Towel!”
“What I love about this tablescape is that it’s clean, it’s fresh and it is chic, just like my menu!” Sure, Aunt Sandy. The tablescape is just like the menu, but the rest of that sentence is pure fabrication.
“Whoot! It’s getting frisky!” Ok, so she’s really referring to the veal here, but lets face it—she’s a girl who knows frisky meat when she sees it.
“Come in here from the bottom!” What did I tell you?
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If you look around in cyber-space, you will find numerous drinking games to play while viewing the hysterical Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee. I have gathered the best of the best and compiled it just in time for the weekend episodes.
I recommend using beer or a diluted mixed drink for this, because we’re talking Sandra Lee and as you know, she’ll have you plastered in less time than it takes to thaw a tub of Cool Whip.
Take one sip if ASS says:
Amazing
Literally
Easy
INto
Great tip
Pre (as in pre-shredded, pre-thawed, pre-cut, etc…)
I want you to….
Melk
Strawburry
Tablescape
Cocktail
Craft Store
Whoot
Fancy-dancy
No one will ever know!
Strings 2 words together, i.e. "easy-easy"
Take one sip each time she uses:
Cookie dough
Boxed cake mix
Canned frosting
Chocolate chips
Pre-shredded cheese
Store bought pre-made angel food cake
Take 2 sips if she:
Hip checks the stove or refrigerator
Color coordinates her outfit to the color of kitchen and/or equipment
Has a hairdo implying she’s spent the night at the frat house again
Calls any liquid “juice” that is in fact not juice (“bacon juice”, “bean juice”)
Mentions other friends or family member (real or imaginary)
Names any other Food Network personality
Has boob jiggling action going on
Suggests getting guests liquored up before you feed them
Refers to tequila as “Our friend”
Uses the sink as a garbage can
Uses inappropriate measuring devices (i.e. dry measures for wet ingredients)
Uses an inappropriate cooking implement, i.e. a fork instead of a mixer
Throws pans INto oven
Uses her glass cook top as more counter space
Encourages bad practices, i.e. "Fill jar with water for more jalapeno juice!"
Gives vague instructions, i.e. "you may need more flour" but doesn’t say when, why or how much
During commercials:
Sip if a Campbells commercial is run
Sip twice if she is in it
Sip if you find other food during the commercials that looks better than what Sandra is making (your fridge counts!)
Sip if the commercial is strangely appropriate, i.e. Immodium, Pepto, Tums, Exlax
Take 3 sips if she:
Samples dish and speaks with mouth full
Makes foodgasm noises
Dances for sampled food
Attempts to make sexy eyes at camera
Dubs any drink a "~tini"
Has family members on show
Mispronounces/misidentifies/or otherwise butchers the name of a food item ("Las Chalupas" anyone?)
Empty your glass if:
You find her boob jiggle at all sexy
The finished product has obviously been swapped in by the stylist
You spot produce, either fruit or vegetables
She uses unusual items in tablescape (chandeliers, stuffed dead birds) | | |
| In response to sujinmina, who was curious to know if there were other human beings actually attempting ASS’s “recipes”. Yes, sujinmina, there are. I will continue to promote such fearless acts of bravery if only to spare one clueless cook from the horrors of Semi-ho cooking.
Today’s feature is Sandra Lee’s Apple Pie Napoleon. I would recommend viewing this recipe before proceeding to the next link, which is the actual re-creation of this disturbing nastiness that Aunt Sandy claims is “Yummy!” Really, take a look and tell me if it sounds at all appetizing on any level. I can’t imagine coming up with this “recipe” and then actually promote it on national TV! As one of the reviewers of this recipe so eloquently states “Who in their right mind destroys an apple pie and puts it into ripped up pastry? This was lunacy.”
I present Gothic Girl’s Apple Pie Crapoleon. If you didn’t click on the link in the previous paragraph directing you to the Food Network site with the actual recipe, you will wonder what special kind of stupid Gothic Girl is. In fact, she has followed the recipe EXACTLY as written. Note her brilliant boozescape in the final photos. Simple, simple. Using fabric from the craft store, a few bottles of booze, and the added touch of coordinating Apple Febreeze (remember the rule: Keep it matchy-matchy. No matter how ludicrous.) and there you have a lovely semi-ho tablescape. Easy, easy! Gothic Girl used real apples for the tablescape. Sandy would NEVER use actual produce because we all know that apples are simply something awaiting canning or the Febreeze factory. However, we must overlook this as I believe I spied a Le Creuset French Oven in the background, implying that when not semi-hoing, Gothic Girl actually has a semi-clue how to cook. And besides, even though the apples are real produce, they are still matchy-matchy. Thank you, Gothic Girl for sharing so we can all learn from your appalling experience.
So, there you go, sujinmina. Aren’t you glad you asked?
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